Heal Play Love University- My Child Said I Hate You
My child said "I hate you" to me. I feel like a horrible parent. What should I do? It can be a shocking and painful experience to hear your child say "I hate you."
When your child says I hate you, you might feel like an awful parent. Or you may feel insulted and angry. Who does this little turd think he is? I carried you in my body for 9 months, mister!
Either way, remember, this outburst isn't really about you. Your child most likely does not hate you. Rather he or she is attempting to express strong emotions.
What other words do we really have in the English language to express extreme frustration?
Is little junior going to say, "Mother [Father], I am feeling exasperated by my current emotional state. I will require some understanding and compassion, as well as a great deal of time reflecting upon the hyperactive state of my amygdala."
No, of course not. She's going to scream in words she knows, "I hate you!' There. That got the job done.
Some things to remember 1) by expressing the emotions, they have not been swallowed up, pushed down and internalized in a way that will resurface in adolescence or adulthood, and 2) by not over-reacting to said expression of emotion, you have not burned a bridge of trust and communication. But, what if you did over-react? It's okay! There may have been a rupture in the relationship by your over-reaction but you can repair!
By talking to your child about emotions (yours and theirs) in a calm, collaborative manner, you will show that 1) you value your child and his/her emotions, 2) you can handle your child's emotions and 3) you can model healthy expression of a range of human emotion-- all of which help to create safety and a sense of positive self- worth for your child.
Remember little vocabularies don't always have the ability to handle big emotions. We will help our children by learning to correct (set a boundary) on behavior rather then correcting the emotion. And most of all, don't take everything personally!
Heal Play Love University (formerly Can We Talk) is a therapy channel on youtube where we discuss, well... therapy stuff. Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), Director & Clinical Supervisor, Melinda Haynes will discuss random topics and answer questions.
Melinda Haynes, MA, LMFT lic no 102308 Author and Instructor for the first online National Supervised Visitation Monitor Certification, a training course for future providers of court-ordered visitation https://www.supervisedvisitationtraining.com/
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Heal Play Love University (formerly 'Can We Talk?') is a youtube channel dedicated to psychology, therapy, relationships, healthy living, well-being and the like.
This channel should not be considered therapy, nor a substitute for therapy. If you need help with any mental, emotional, family or relational struggle, please seek help from a qualified professional in your area.
